FAWNING – Surviving by "Being Good”

Fawning is a survival strategy that we adopt when we sense that standing out, speaking up, or holding a different opinion isn't safe, and will somehow threaten the relationship or our sense of belonging.

If you people-please (my own hand goes up here), then at some point in your life, it was likely true that having your own needs met meant conflict, loss of connection, or loss of a relationship. Being honest or just being yourself felt risky; being likeable and going with the flow felt safer—good, even. It may have been unsafe or unmirrored to have boundaries, to say no, or to express anger. Yet, anger is essential lifeforce energy that helps us differentiate and uphold our boundaries.

The need to fawn is often a valid present-moment response; we sometimes must get along, even in toxic environments, for safety, financial, or security reasons.

Feeling into our own patterns around fawning, people-pleasing, and camouflaging (disappearing) in order to fit in can bring up a lot of shame. But it isn’t a weakness; it’s your system choosing connection over conflict. We need connection to survive, and our nervous system is wired for survival. We aren’t usually choosing to fawn consciously—it is a below-consciousness strategy that often plays out without our awareness.

Dr. Gabor Maté has spoken about the tension between authenticity (the ability to feel and express ourselves as we are) and attachment (the need for connection and belonging). A child will almost always choose to belong, even if it means cutting off essential parts of uniqueness and aliveness within themselves. They suppress themselves to be good, nice, or helpful.

In his book When the Body Says No, Dr. Maté explores the hidden cost of suppressing emotions, especially anger, noting that doing so stops us from discharging stress and can leave us in a perpetual state of stress.

Our nervous system equates “goodness” with safety, so displeasing someone can push us into a state of fight/flight, where relief momentarily comes from being helpful, agreeable, or needed. If we sense that—in spite of our best efforts—someone is disappointed or even angry with us, we might fall into a dorsal or collapse state, which can include shame or a need to hide. If you’ve ever noticed yourself staying in bed, binge-watching screens, and stopping answering messages after conflict (perceived or real), this could be a shutdown response in your nervous system.

Possible signs of fawning:

• Difficulty making decisions

• Having trouble receiving support or gifts

• Feeling like you have to help, even if you don’t have the capacity or simply don’t want to

• Suppressing feelings in order to keep others from feeling uncomfortable

• Pretending everything is fine when internally you’re struggling

• Over-giving; offering more time, energy, money, or other resources than you have

• Avoiding confrontation

• Laughing when something isn’t funny to you

  
  

Shifting Out of Fawning

Knowing that you fawn is the first step. Seeing the patterns and having compassion instead of judgment will help your inner child feel safe and seen. Recognize and validate that it is a survival response—one that was necessary at some point, even if you feel like you’ve outgrown it now.

Practice resourcing, grounding, and safety while standing up, being heard, and holding your own opinion. Consider working with someone to help you embody safety, belonging, and authenticity at the exact same time. This might include inhabiting some of the other nervous system responses that feel less comfortable—for example, exploring "fight" when you want to flee.

Explore what is more important to you than being nice. Energy? Vitality? Choice? Expression?

This is really Somatic Therapy’s wheelhouse. Embodying new ways of being inside of old responses gives us more choice and energy. If you’d like to explore if Somatic Therapy is right for you, please book a free 15-minute consultation.

With Grit & Gratitude,

Kerri